Week 16 – Too late to say farewell

(Note: Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent!)

Jim was one of those people who was larger than life. Originally from Rhodesia, he was tall, tanned and well-spoken, and he was also a heavy smoker. Nothing unusual about that in the early days – Just about everybody smoked, and cigarettes were extremely cheap.

Jim became ill and stopped working. I’m not sure what the cause was, but I gradually became aware that it was serious. I thought of going to visit him, but somehow didn’t get around to it. And then suddenly he died.

The news shocked me, and made me think about how I had behaved. I was very young, and Jim’s death did not make me think about my own mortality, but it suddenly seemed so final – I had not even sent him a card; I had not phoned to keep in touch; and now he was dead and gone, and I would never be able to tell him how much I valued his friendship.

It taught me a valuable lesson. I resolved not to let this happen again. If someone I knew was ill, in hospital, or at risk, I would make every effort to visit, before it was too late.

And then, a couple of years later, Monty, another one of my work colleagues became ill. He was older than me, and we had shared an overseas study trip of six weeks, so we had got to know each other fairly well. And very suddenly he also passed away. And I had not made contact with him – I can’t remember the reasons why.

After a memorial service was held at our workplace, I had a telephone call from his wife. We had never met, but she was calling to thank me for being his friend over the years. I was embarrassed, and didn’t know what to say. She must have thought me an imbecile or worse, or hopefully she realized that I was confused. Here was a woman who had just lost her husband of many years, and she was calling me. I should have been able to say something to console her; Mention something, anything, to make her loss more bearable, but I was tongue-tied.

So, had I really learned the lesson? I resolved once again that I would make every effort to make contact with anyone who is old, or in ill-health, or in hospital.

More recently, I put this lesson to use more successfully. My uncle Rob (real name) lived fairly close by, and he contacted me a few times, just to keep in touch, or for help with his computer. He was getting old, and had trouble with his vision and his hearing. Eventually he landed up in hospital with various problems. I made an effort to visit him often in the hospital, and we had many nice chats. I learned a lot about our family history, and got a new view of his life. Rob got past these problems and returned home.

At Christmas he was taken ill during dinner, and landed back in hospital. After some major surgery he was in the intensive care section, and I visited him as often as I could. A couple of times when I visited, I found him asleep. Instead of waking him, I just sat with him for a while, and then left him to continue sleeping. He was certainly not alone, with visits by all members of his family, but I think he appreciated seeing me, and chatting about this and that. We didn’t solve any of the world’s problems, but that was not the objective!

After a couple of weeks he returned home. And suddenly one day I got a call to say that he had passed on. What can one say: I was extremely sad, but at the same time glad that his suffering was over. And I had no regrets about not visiting him. We had spent many hours together, and I got to know a side of him which I would otherwise never have found. And I’m sure that I brought some interest and joy into his life.

Lastly I must relate a story about my friends Mike & Mary. Mike and I worked together in our very first jobs, and we were good friends. Mike & Mary bought a house not far from us, and settled down to build their lives and their family. In the earlier years we had some contact, but this became more and more sporadic, even though we lived fairly nearby. One gets so involved in work and family.

A few years back I heard that Mike had not been well. He had been in hospital for removal of a spot in his lungs, and was recovering. At this time I did not realize how serious this was. The message I got was that the cancer had been cut out, and he would be back to normal soon.

That year was not a good year for me, with some serious work challenges. The result was that I did not make contact with Mike, although he was on my mind. At one stage I tried to contact him, and was told that he was still recovering, and it would be better to wait until he was a little stronger. I should have made the time.

A few months later I heard that Mike was now really ill, and I went to visit him. By this time he was at home, being looked after very competently by a hospice nurse. He was not in good shape: The first time I visited, I’m not sure if he even knew who I was. He passed away shortly afterwards.

There are a couple of themes to this blog:

1. Do it now! Keep in contact with all your valued friends and family. You never know how long any of them will still be around. I regret not maintaining contact over the years, and particularly when Mike was ill. And now it is too late.

2. Enjoy your life – Now! There is little purpose in putting off that trip to a South Sea island, or taking up bungee-jumping, or really starting on that water colour project. You may not be around to enjoy it.

3. Look after yourself. Make sure that you don’t expose yourself to known hazards, such as smoking.