Week 47 – Counting the days

Well, dear reader. Do you think I am going overboard with my count-down to the end of interferon? I thought about this for a while, and decided To Hell with It! I have done almost a whole year, and I am now seriously looking forward to not being on interferon, and getting my life back to something approaching normality. I am trying to imagine what it will be like to wake up in the morning without all my muscles feeling sore. And having a full night’s sleep is something I have not had for a long time.

So you will just have to bear with me as I count down!

I have been feeling a lot better lately. I don’t know if this is just because I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, or some other factors. I mentioned before that I have been taking a rather good food supplement and this may have something to do with it. And I have been getting regular exercise, mostly gardening, but I have managed to get to the gym a few times this year.

So I am looking forward to the last injection at the end of March. Then I will have another PET scan, check bloods etc, and another visit to the oncologist. Suddenly it is all happening! And I am feeling cautiously optimistic that nothing new will be found.

We want to go away for a week once I am over the interferon. It will obviously take some time for my body to get used to not having interferon – Are there any withdrawal symptoms? – And it will take some weeks for my bloods to get back to normal. So, another adventure to look forward to.

Wish me luck! And I wish the best of luck to all of you out there too!

Only 18 shots left

Week 46 – My Valentine’s wish to you

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Only 20 more shots
And then I’ll be through!

Over the last few years I allowed our garden to get rather out of hand. In the early years we had no trees and very little shade. Now, the trees have grown up and we have almost too much shade.

I neglected my rose garden, and half the rose bushes died over a period of years. In the last couple of months I have been giving it some attention. Lots of water; regular fertilizer; regular spraying; and lots of TLC. And it is amazing how the roses have responded. They will need more attention, and proper pruning, and should do very well next season. For the present, I am concentrating on getting the plants to build up strength before the winter. I will also fill in some of the gaps with new plants next week, so that they can get their roots established before winter.

Week 45 – Getting back to your life before interferon

[I’m sure I have written about this topic before, but I can’t find it. It may have been in an email to someone. So I apologise if I am repeating myself!]

Setbacks are a normal part of life. Hopefully one gets over them, and carries on stronger and wiser.

When you have a cold, or dose of flu, you feel bad for a while. But you take your medicine, get lots of rest and liquids, and within a short time you forget all about it. If you break a leg, you put it in plaster, rest it, go through the physio, and within a short time it becomes history. Here in South Africa we live in a violent society: There are many people who have had their vehicles hijacked at gunpoint, or suffered robberies in their homes.

But people generally recover from these setbacks. They are usually quick, unexpected, and temporary. Of course they may leave some scars, physical or mental.

So what about this melanoma and interferon experience? Well, in theory you are diagnosed, and then do the treatment for a year. The treatment is not nice, but for most of us it is bearable, and however bad it may be, you can look forward to the end of the year with relief and optimism. Then you have a final set of scans, and celebrate with a party, or a world cruise!

And you can get back to your previous life. Everything that you put on hold can now be taken up again. You get back to work, meet people, buy the groceries, take up new hobbies, drink wine again, have a romance, spend more time with family and friends, and so on.

But however much you would like everything to revert to the way it was, this will probably not happen. Because YOU have changed over the year. You have learned a lot about melanoma, and it has put a different complexion on the world. You have learned that you are mortal; that none of us lives for ever. You have learned the value of just existing in the present, and enjoying life for what it offers you. You have learned who your real friends are. You have learned to enjoy beauty wherever you find it – In music, in nature, in people, and in whatever you do.

And you have learned patience! Each time you do the self-injection you know you will feel lousy, but you go ahead… Because it is important for your future, and because you know that however it affects you, you will start to feel better the next day. And those days when you feel good are wonderful! Who would have thought how wonderful it is to wake up in the morning, have a cup of tea or coffee, and look out the window at the world, and know that you have another day in which to do things, or not as the fancy takes you… Read a book; have lunch with a friend; wash your hair; all the simple and mundane things are wonderful, because you are alive!

So, does one simply put it all aside? It’s over, like the broken leg, like that bad dose of flu?

I remember many years back working on some statistics for our business school. In this country, many MBA students are subsidized by their employer. This can be a fairly major investment for the employer. We discovered that a fairly high proportion of MBA students would change their jobs very soon after completing their degrees. The company who had footed the bill would probably get back the costs, either from the student, or from his new employer. But two years have gone by, and the company has lost out on someone who they were grooming for greater things in the future.

So, why did so many move? In some cases it may have been salary related. But the main reason was that each of those students had themselves changed. They had learned much about business, but also much about themselves. And realized that they did not want to work for a furniture company. (IT, bank, farming,… You name it). Or they realized that they wanted to work for themselves, and build up their own venture. Or, as one student did, give it all up and move to Spain, and start a donkey trekking business.

The bottom line to all of this is that one should not expect to find everything unchanged. Your view of life has probably changed more than you realize. You may go back to your job, home, hobbies, etc, and this stability will be valuable. But you may also find that some things are no longer as important as you thought they were.

You have some new priorities in life.

Week 44 – Getting to grips with frustration

[Start of rant]

I know this interferon creature quite well now. As regular as clockwork I do the injections and feel lousy for a while. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary, and after a day or so I will feel more or less normal again. For many months now I have battled with the frustration of not being able to do all the things I would like: The feeling of tiredness and lethargy, light-headed when I stand up or try to do some physical exercise; aches and pains all over my body.

Even though I fight against it, I have got resigned to not being able to do everything I would like. In each week I know I will have three lousy days, three better days, and one bonus day extra. So I have scaled down my expectations of what I can do. I have a lot of tasks and projects, and I have just had to prioritise them. At one end of the scale are those things which must be done; At the other end are tasks which will just not happen, however much I would like to get around to them.

So, everything is under control, right? All I have to do is plod along until week 52, and then life can get back to normal.

Well, not quite. Every now and then something goes wrong with the plan. For example, the last couple of weeks I had a tummy bug – probably just a virus. Everyone says “there’s a lot of that going around!”, as if that makes me feel better. I felt lousy, run-down and weak. And the injections continue.

The result is that I just don’t get anything done: I used to have 7 good days in every week, more than enough for anyone. I have reconciled myself to a drop to, say, 3 good days each week, and I plan for that. But then something creeps in and the whole week becomes a write-off.

And I get so frustrated! I understand what is happening, and I know it will not last for ever. I know that next week I will probably feel better, and be able to get more done. But in the meantime there is physical pain, in not feeling well. And mental pain (= frustration). Even though I understand it, and I’ve come to grips with it, the pain is still there… All I can do is grit my teeth, and carry on, looking forward to week 52.

[End of rant]